7/5/2024 6:39PM

It’s nearly 100 degrees out and the
fairgrounds are packed with California
suburban country guys. In their free time
they try new beer varieties, discharge
firearms, stomp around festivals, fantasize
about having sex with their cars, ponder big
questions like "what the fuck is all this
shit?", and play video games simulating
modern conflicts in the Middle East or
sports. They are California suburban
country guys. Chuds. Their suit of armor is
shorts, oversized tshirts, sunglasses, and
hats. Their castle is Top Golf. I will not say
which object is their sword. They are
uncouth and of poor character. The Alameda
County fair is the worst place to try meeting
someone you could fall in love with.People
will mostly go out to meet someone they
could fall in love with.

My family spends the day by the race track
betting on horses. I eat a lobster roll, some
french fries, funnel cake and drink beer. I
worry that consuming all this garbage
would stop me from going to the warehouse
rave that night with friends as planned. In-
between races a reptile expert presents a
snapping turtle and then an alligator before
patting his younger assistant on the back
and calling out “we gotta go”. When the
races are over we decide to shop in an air
conditioned warehouse. The smell of garlic
is so overpowering I have to fight the urge
to leave immediately. Vendors sit
disinterestedly behind folding tables selling
bullshit. As seen on tv vegetable slicers,
free spirit jewelry, Miscellaneous kitschy
bric-à-brac. I buy a Melania Trump shirt
from a mentally ill alt-right guy named Eric
Golub. Eric shares with me that the owner
of the warehouse is a liberal, and wants to
kick him out. The owner disagrees with
Eric’s offensive shirts which comment on
figures of nutcase interest such as Kyle
Rittenhouse, Hunter Biden, and Katy Perry.
Eric feels he has a right to print tshirts that
say retarded things like “trans people are
pedophiles”. After the fair I hang out with
my parents and watch Ridiculousness
hosted by Rob Dyrdek. I feel at ease, sitting
on the couch eating peach ice cream and
watching internet videos of non-fatal
injuries. I head home and take a nap before
the rave.

After my nap I wake up around 9pm, feeling
the cumulative stress of fried fair food,
heat, and beer. I begin to doubt my body’s
ability to tolerate raving until 5am and call
Chris to tell her I can’t go. She tells me she
wishes I could but understands. I take an
edible, committed to staying in. Carefree
bliss seeps in and I change my mind, Chris
picks me up with Cooper and Chloe in the
car and on the way there I talk with Chloe
about the night she threw a can of
tomatoes at my head. I talked about how
I’ve found it hard to explain to people why
she threw the can or why I’m not mad at
her for doing it. We arrive at the warehouse
and dose up on ketamine before going in.
The music is spiritually affirming,
breakbeats chopped into frenetic rhythms
and inner ear follicle decimating gabber
kicks. There’s more people than usual and
they’re all perfect weirdos. A guy wearing a
wizard hat dances with a canister of whipits,
solemn edm zombies stand directly in front
of speakers nodding their heads. In a
second room people naked to their
underwear dance unselfconsciously. We run
into Zachary’s friend who is wearing a pink
wig and dress and we all hug. I’m beginning
to get nauseous but continue doing
ketamine and dancing in a solipsistic
carefree way. I start to feel really bad. I
worry that my dancing isn’t funny or clever.
I stumble around and find water, but can’t
escape the nausea and fear that are taking
over my experience. After forcing things for
a while I walk away from the group without
saying anything. I sit on a curb outside
feeling extremely negative and text Chris
that I’m calling an uber. She meets me
outside and I get up to vomit behind a truck
in the gated warehouse area. I see on my
phone that the uber has arrived and
simultaneously cancel it while holding my
phone away from my face and vomiting.

I call a second uber and am picked up by a
gentle seeming man named Sadiq who asks
me if there’s a lot of people in the
warehouse. I answer maybe a hundred. I’m
comforted by his kind demeanor. He asks
me a few more questions about what the
rave was like and I answer them. I ask him
where he’s from and he tells me he moved
from Afghanistan 5 years ago. He speaks
gently about how what you see on the
media doesn’t reflect the people. As we
cross the bay bridge Sadiq directs my
attention forward. On the other side of the
bridge a large pack of cars is blocking
traffic. Many people are out walking on the
bridge and large fountain fireworks are
exploding in the sky. I am overwhelmed by
the beauty of so many people breaking the
law together. Sadiq slows down as we pass
crashed vehicles. Police SUV sirens whoop
as they struggle to move up toward the
fireworks. Cops dispatched to illegal
sideshows are always outnumbered,
arresting only a handful while the majority
escape. I text my sister about the night,
feeling positive knowing she’ll appreciate
my experiences. At home I take an edible,
eat fast food in bed, and doze off watching
Jean-Luc Godard’s Masculine Feminine.

6/14/2024 2:42PM

There was a young couple named john and
mary that was totally in love and they had a
dog together named max. max was super
smart and well behaved and he would
always meet them at the door when they
commuted home from their job together at
google. Max was 13 years old and he had a
knack for smelling things, he could even
identify wine varietals during blind tastings.
But time caught up with max and he died.
He passed away in the young couple’s arms.

A few months later mary started feeling sick
in the mornings and noticed she was
putting on some lbs. She took a pregnancy
test and it was positive!!! After checking in
with a doctor to make sure everything was
okay they told her that the scans returned
abnormal results and they’d have to run
some tests. A week later she received a
call. It was the doctor, she was going to
need to come in and look at the scans
herself.

Looking at the image in front of her mary
could hardly believe what she was seeing.
Curled up inside her womb was a small
puppy! This was impossible! Mary had never
had sex with john, in fact she’d never had
sex with anyone. She was a virgin. And on
top of that why would there be a dog in her
uterus rather than a human baby? Mary
chose to see the puppy to term and nine
months later she gave birth to a beautiful
sheltie, lhasa apso mix.

3/3/2024 11:57PM

I decided today that I’m going to
spend every waking moment hanging out
for the next 29 days. Basically being
around people, whether in person or
online, for everything that I do, nonstop.
The idea was inspired by autofiction
writer Megan Boyle’s Liveblog, a book
that I’ve been enjoying the past few
days. Like Liveblog, this project is an
experiment in being observed and honesty.
I hope that it will also become an
experience of positivity and growth.

I woke up at 9am, browsed twitter in bed
for 20 minutes, washed my hair over the
tub with the shower head, and headed to
Dalida for my brunch shift. Hanging out
on the clock was no problem, it’s
basically what I’m being paid to do and
there were few moments where I wasn’t
talking to someone or at least being
observed by managers. I got off work
around 4pm and went straight home to
hang out with Zachary, who I found in bed
browsing twitter on their macbook. We went
outside to smoke a cigarette and after I’d
filled Zachary in on my plan, they offered to
let me accompany them on their walk to
buy some zynns. We set out for the gas
station on Arguello and Geary and talked
about autofiction. We talked about the
influence alt lit had on Zachary
experimenting with drugs in high school,
comparing their experience to that of
teenagers playing Modern Warfare 3 and
committing school shootings. We talked
about various other things I don’t
remember. Zachary bought three packs of
zynns and walking back we smoked another
cigarette which made me nauseous. I’d only
had about 5 hours of sleep before my
brunch shift and I was beginning to feel
helpless and without the energy or
motivation to determine my future. I let
Zachary know I was feeling nauseous and
tired and we agreed that I would need to
sleep at some point anyways and it would
be okay for me to take a nap. I woke up
two hours later and browsed twitter for 1
hour. I decided I like being alone and read
Liveblog in bed for about 3 hours.

1/23/2024 4:57PM

One time I was hunched over carrying
some things and noelle was walking
alongside me standing all tall and we
started laughing because it was like
I was her henchman and then I started
laughing extra more because I was her
henchman and it was my duty to curry
favor with her

8/8/2023 12:29AM

What's Your Favorite:
- possession?
- type of fruit?
TV Shows I'd Like to Watch:
- Dallas
- Columbo
Rumors About Jimmy Fallon:
- on United Airlines no-fly list
- alcoholic
- avoids kids and wife, seems to resent them
- preeminent private collection of 18th
century French rococo furniture
- rude to dogs
- enabled Horatio Sanz to groom a 15 year old
- ties to the Bin Laden family
- keeps loaded gun in desk
Need To Get:
- secured credit card
- health insurance

7/29/2023 4:25AM

One of my favorite parts of serving
is the challenge of successfully lying to
customers when answering their questions
about the dishes. For example, the other
day I told a customer they were eating cow
brains but later I looked it up on my phone
and it was pancreas. For those moments, in
a way, I'm controlling the guests' reality.
This is good.

6/12/2023 12:37AM

I beat covid

6/11/2023 8:39AM

moral failings dressed in lazy fatigues,
fortified myths built around our enemies,
partners resting in tunnels beneath their sheets,
everyone can do it, but no one does.
go ahead as we work to protect our borders,
clown societies, corporate circuses, airport-security,
pious fighters' knowledge turning them against their families,
it’s in the air, or it’s in the trees.

6/7/2023 3:19AM

I have covid

6/2/2023 8:29AM

The other day playing basketball alone, I
fell and rolled my foot, producing a loud
cracking noise. Dropping to the court on my
back, I felt pirouetting throbs and pangs
down my ankle. After a minute or two, the
noon sun heat joined with the disturbing
worry I’d splintered bones or distorted
tissue, made me feel like I was going to
throw up. I moved my body under the
partial shade of the acrylic backboard,
deciding not to think about my ankle.
Eventually the pain subsided enough for my
foot to carry the weight necessary to limp.
Light headed, I grabbed my bag and
hobbled the four blocks home.